Am I?

The source of this thought is the television, lately everything intelligent or unintelligent I come across is via the idiot box. So is this thought.. So the thought is this.. a literature teacher in a sitcom I watch called the youth of today "Generation Whatever!" Why? because they don't really know how to complete their emotions. What does that even mean? Well.. it means that we as a generation are so out of sync with our language (any for that matter: English/Hindi/whatever your mother tongue is) that we can seldom use words to express ourselves when we write. Instead we resort to emoticons, punctuation marks as they were the content and words are the fillers.

That really did get me thinking. I mean I did believe at one point of time that I am brilliant with words. But if I really think of it keeping the above in context in mind, Am I? 

I would never know for sure, as I've never really shared those thoughts with anyone. I know this for sure that I'm not a great speaker, so communicating my thoughts via that medium is a little complicated. There leave alone relying on emoticons I become one myself! My default reaction to everything happiness, sadness, frustration, desperation as a matter of fact even anger is - tears.  And if I say I'm better with words, then how do I explain the numerous unsent letters which know the truth but never got to it's intended recipient?

To oneself, a person is either the best or the worst depending on how the day is going, I can't expect myself to be an unbiased judge of my writing. I mean it's like asking a thief to keep custody of your prized jewels: Would you trust him he says they're safe with him? Probably No. 

So then how am I to know? Am I or am I not the girl who can't complete her thoughts without her crutch?

I Have Abandonment Issues!

Happy New Year!!

What's with the lack of continuity? Umm.. guilty as charged! Like the topic says.. I have abandonment issues. They are probably a little different from what the phrase actually means :P
Why don't I explain what I mean, I cant be made to stay at one place too long! So essentially I am the abandonment issue not you :)

It's been the same ever since I can remember! I don't remember any TV series I watched with consistent enthusiasm till the very end, now this could be the issue with the content on television these days. Same is with movies. Yes I might have seen some good ones and I pay money for the tickets so I do sit them through.. but I do feel myself floating off somewhere else altogether. A song that I absolutely love one month is replaced by a new one the next, so much so that I can't even listen the first chorus!

This is normal isn't it?  Yes or No, I don't think I would stay around long enough for the answer.. for in my head I already have the answer!! Life today is fast paced, technology quickly changing, the need to evolve with the speed of light is ever so evident that it has taken a toll on everything. The first and the most affected victim is our patience. Remember how when we kids we used to put one roll of negative onto our cameras and wait for 30-40 odd clicks and a visit to the photo studio to get the roll developed to finally see what we got? Cut to today, when the digital capture is in our hands in a fraction of a second, and the next it is deleted for not being good enough. It wasn't the same earlier, like it or not, we used to preserve those photographs either to hide them or just keep them as a reminder of what was and you have become. This is just one example, there would be a million more, but the jist is the same.

Its not the same any more, the sense of permanence is missing. Good or bad I don't know. Different it sure is!

A way to a Man's Heart!

There's a saying which I've heard way too often.. "The way to a man's heart, is through his stomach". Although I'll think the way is a little down south than the stomach :P .. But I wont disregard this old adage, I mean this might or might not be true, but I don't want to risk it!!

So what does that mean? Well that simply means, I've started taking cooking seriously, not that I can't cook if my life depended on it, I CAN! But that's not the way you win a man's heart, even if its someone with as low as a benchmark as my man does (I mean come on he's a bachelor who eats office cafeteria food.. even if I feed him uncooked vegetables I'll beat that mark :) !!) It's enough to stay afloat.. Yes.. but to win his heart.. Umm.. No.

And the more I get to cooking, the more I'm getting addicted to the praises and empty trays :) .. I've always been very fond of baked goods. It always surprises me how magic happens in the oven. But I wont say I'm a born cook. I had in the past tried my hand baking, but I was so bad that even the dogs decided to let it pass. And with that historic day in my vivid memory, and to my misfortune my Mum's memory any experimentation I did now was bound to scrutiny. Anyway, I decided I'll take baby steps, first step making my own breakfast :) .. Well there's no science to a bowl of cornflakes you'll say and I agree completely. But once bitten twice shy. I needed to gain confidence. Mixing milk and flakes right, ok i can do proportions now. Then graduating to making my own eggs, now I can cook on flame and not burn myself, great going. Milkshakes, I can operate the blender yay! and such small victories, made me a happy trooper!

There was a time when my mom was off for a week where I had to feed my dad and myself. It's then when I realised, I didn't lack the skill, I only lacked the patience :D .. my poor dad had to eat the same daal for the whole week :P But he's a sweetheart he doesn't complain ( I mean he did .. but while eating so I didn't take him seriously :P )  But Mom came back and I had no intentions of honing my skills further until "The Man" expressed his age old desire of having the wife cook delicacies for him, and how he'd never have that fulfilled as he chose me (angry face!).. That was a moment when the HWIMYM Barney style "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!! buzz came to my mind.

First step was obvious.. his favourite breakfast recipe, Pancakes!! How difficult is that, just flour eggs and milk, and you're done :) .. I thought the effort was worth appreciation, he on the other hand thought the pancakes needed a little more cooking.. *heartbreak*.

Alright, we wont back down due to disapproval, only grow stronger and move on. Next up, appetizers, this time i decided Indian is safer, you see if you have the ingredients right, there's nothing much to it. So I thought Dahi ke kebab, and to my rescue came Tarala Dalal (who sadly passed away this Wednesday, may that amazing woman's soul rest in peace, for she helped a million Indian brides, find their way to their men's hearts!!) and did they work up a charm! It got even my dad stand up and take notice.. which is for me the best compliment ever. And because the kebabs were so good, he accepted defeat happily gulping down those melt in the mouth awesome things :D

Now emboldened by my new found success I decided to pick up the one task I most dreaded and haunted by.. Baking. I decided to bake brownies, and thus began the hunt for the perfect brownie recipe, after hours of internet surfing came across one which seemed achievable, got the ingredients, the humble food processor every lazy cook's dream tool came to help, took the abandoned oven and viola! slightly burnt but perfectly edible brownies!!! And once you get over the burnt crust they tasted almost bakery purchased! And yes he agreed to that I can cook and that he only mocked me so he could get to eat the marvellous treats :D

And do I believe him? Of course not! He had to eat his words because the one considered out of the race has won it! :)

And there's nothing which tastes better than the taste of victory!!!

When I look at other successful bloggers

So its like this when I was little (or maybe like 10 years younger than today :P) and regularly update my diary, I used to read and re-read and think one day I'd be a famous writer, only if there was a way that the world could see how good I am. So all this while I was thinking if only I could get this to the rest of the world. And then came the whole internet boom and a little later the blog became a possibility. Here there was a perfectly simple medium to let everyone have such an easy access to your life,all you had to do was put it out there and click b click share by share you'd be everywhere! That simple? Oh! I wish!!

There's nothing like the ultimate face off with reality to humble you down. Mine was starting to write this blog, at first I didn't know what to name it, then I didn't know how to start. Then I'd not know what to write, then how often to write. Then set in the paranoia, Oh no! no one's reading my blog! and then now I am at acceptance :) so now with this blog post I'll just save pages from my diary by pouring my heart out here and not be jealous at all of the successful, minor celebrity bloggers reading whose blogs I spent the whole of yesterday. I just couldn't help it... I'm trying to plan my wedding and there was this awesomely apt blog about a girl who shopped in Cal.. given that my sasural is a place I'm going to see first time in my life this month I figured I better do my research well and get some pointers if I could find them and what better place than the very informative google to help me out which promptly pointed me to this blog. Helpful as the blog is.. the comments on the girls every post made me sightly jealous :( and then the mention of another blogger and co worker as a pro at fashion really surprised me. How could it be that someone who spends as much time as I do at the office still find time to so many awesome things while all I do when I'm not in office is to sleep or watch TV or at best be out on lunch and dinner dates (sigh!) and that's when it struck me.. in their own ways they are out stuff which might be helpful to others ( mind you I also found that blog because I was indeed searching for bridal lehengas in Kolkata :P ) as compared to my random blog where the only help anyone would get would be.. umm.. can't even come up with sarcastic insult!!! Man! my blog is really useless.. 

Anywho... now that I'm all humbled down and all ready to shop my heels flat :P I thought I would also start out something which might be helpful to other people... not quite sure what right now... but I'm sure I'll figure out something soon. Till then I'll just use this blog for my dime's worth as a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly whatever diary and if nothing else save some trees :)

So from today on I'll sign off as I used to sign off my diary

Lots of Love    

True Love

Is it true as one grows older, the true aspect of "true" love kicks in? As you grow older you realize that true love as mentioned in the classic romances was only meant to be an illusion.. the truth about it however is completely different.

No I'm not being a pessimist, its just that when we were kids.. or rather when were teenagers our idea of love was something we read in fairy tales. When you'll meet your prince charming, the world will seem to be swirling around, you'll hear a thousand violins playing in your head, Sweet would be sweeter, warm would would be warmer and what not. With all these ideas in your amateurish teenage head, you confuse puberty and hormonal mischief as true love. So much so that you fail to understand a simple fact, this phase will pass, and then all you'll be left behind with would an overgrown unwanted blob of guilt which you wont know what to do with when you do indeed find that one person you do feel sure enough to spend your life with.

I often wonder would I have made my choices differently had I been this wise when I was 13? Maybe... Well.. maybe not. Like everyone else I too had that one first love which I confused to be my true love. When it ended.. as conditioned to believe my fairy tale has ended and not as an expected happily ever after I'm doomed to a life of gloom. But luckily as it turns out it wasn't true. No soon when i began living my so called life of dread.. things started to fall in place.. I started loving myself instead of blaming myself, and I have noticed this one thing once you start doing that the world will follow. And come on, lets get real: Who would want to love someone who's not even capable enough of liking themselves!! If you of all the people cant convince yourself of how awesome you are, there is no other who would believe that either!!

And so when I realized that the hero of my fairy tale wasn't the "true love" i seek but me, that's when i actually started living it :) . But by then I had grown older and didn't seem to be a happy surprise that my life continued to be fun even after that then catastrophic event by then it was just how had begun to see my life, happy because it was uneventful :)

And that's precisely then when i realized, my sole aim in life is to be happy.. and that's a very predictable fairy tale.. to be happy now that my ever after really has begun with my one love (let's not over dramatize it by calling it my true "true love" ) his acceptance for who I am and mine for him.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

So as I expect my dearie to be back from a trip home tomorrow :D today's thought about me liking him more from a distance is warranted :P . It might be just me or it might be the truth for people worldwide, that you feel the love for your loved ones more when they are away. While they are around they drive you crazy because they seemingly intrude into your space.

So I'm the kind who always thinks that the base for every strong relationship is mutual respect for each others need for the alone moments when you dont want any interference. As you might have guessed already I do consider myself a strong and independent woman. So by that logic one might think I would be destined to a life of little or no pampering, and lots of self reliance. But no.. as luck would have it my guy is slightly old fashioned, he comes from the school of thought that in a relationship the "guy" is supposed to do the heavy lifting, and the girl, well she's supposed to be all delicate, clueless and lost. And it is the "Guy's" responsibility to ensure all her needs are met and to keep her safe.

Well here it is imperitive that I mention that I'm a city girl who till now has fought her own battles, rode in buses, trains, tackled perverts, made her own decisions about almost everything ( lucky for me.. my parents have put in full faith in my judgement from ever since that I can remember) right from the clothes I wear, to the career I chose, to the guy I want to marry. The right phrase for my life would be "Zero Interference".

Now just imagine the meeting of these two different planets!! And just imagine my reaction when someone holds my hand to help me cross the road!!!! I'm like..."Dude! You have got to be kidding me. I was born in this city, I have seen this road being built and dug up and built so many times that I have lost count. On top of that I've been here so many times that I'm pretty sure I can do this blindfolded... and you think I need help crossing this road???" But when we are on the other side and he is still holding my hand and just smiling at me I just say this to myself "Screw it! I'll be strong and independent some other day, being a damsel in distress is much more rewarding". But the moment I notice him reading my mind, to reclaim the image I tell him, "I can do this without you holding my hand you know.." This is where he feels caught for caring so much, but shamelessly he says " I cant risk it" with a smirk and we go on with his chauvinism in place and my pride intact yet so satisfied with being so different yet so complete that its almost perfect.

Not to say it doesnt get on my nerves sometimes, it does. Too much of a good thing is also a bad thing. Right? I know the girls reading this might be thinking.. show off.. Just because she has a caring boyfriend she thinks she can rub it in. Well... guilty as charged. But trust me their are days (And they come often) when I really miss my single days. Those were the days I was really free, I know I had to buy my food, fund my own rides, do my own chores. But there something about that life that is very fulfilling too. And sometimes I wonder why cant I have the best of both the worlds. Or when the urge is real strong, I feel why cant I be alone and free again.

But then days like these come when he's miles away with little contact, when I have all this me time when he can't interfere even he wants to because he's not around. And then no prizes for guessing what I want to do... I just want him interupting my "space" with his sickeningly sweet romance again!!!!! I'm such a psycho!!! :P But he cant know this... it's good to keep on their toes :P the moment they know they are valued they start acting pricey... these boys :P ...

Oh how happy I am... you will be back tomorrow :D   

Funny Drunk People

I know none of my posts ever link to each other, but that's the way my brain works; its one thing today, the other tomorrow.. bottomline its always something :) .

Alcohol is the is what has my spirits up (pun intended) today.. so as today while a few minutes ago some people I'm very close to came home drunk .. another person I'm very close to as well is pretty pissed :P .. Fact of the matter, while the drunk ones would have no recollection of what nonsense they talked tonight, the "Pissed" would continue to be angry for a few days to be optimistic, maybe weeks if the anger levels are higher than usual.

The reason being aside, its funny how different people have different ways of handling alcohol. Some laugh incessantly, some cry over the dumbest things, some get into brawls for no apparent reasons. Some also end doing things they would regret the very next day, a few examples: getting married, making out with a married guy, calling up you ex and telling him/her you still want them back, calling up your parents and telling them you're drunk or just talk endlessly about how you think you're boss has horrible fashion sense with your boss, who by the way is in complete senses and is taking note of each and every word you say and would use it against you at you next performance review. But hell you don't care, you're having a great time! Aren't you? The morning after would be a different story altogether, with the hangover and the amnesia and the horror of discovering what a disaster of a mistake you made yesterday. But right now is a great time.

You know who is this situation the best for? The friends who are sober and are completely aware of what fool you are making out of yourself, they just cant wait for the morning after when they can recreate the whole incident in front of you (with added insults of course) and watch you fall into a pit of embarrassment as you think of a way to escape the country without running into anyone who saw the the drunk you.

I used to be pretty proud of the fact that I could hold myself pretty nicely even if half of my blood becomes alcohol, I used to be almost completely aware and well in control. Then for the want of a better lifestyle and a slimmer waist ( not necessarily in the same order of importance) I gave up drinking. It was then when I lost the gift, and its been only once that I've lost complete memory of what I did during that one time. Lucy for me everyone else was drunk silly too :P except one :D Who was too shocked to use anything against me :) This was a long time ago too.. But the morning after was a complete blackout, I didn't even know how I got into the bed or how I changed my clothes! And when this realization came.. I was like Yeah!!! I had my first knock Out!!! And yes it was fun!!!!

So now when I see drunk people, I find it so much fun seeing them being silly and having no qualms about it, and that's why I love alcohol for having this ability to let your spirit free ( Pun intended yet agin!!, infact probably that is why they are referred this way.. what do you think?? )